France, Hernandez, and Sugarcoating

Welcome to blog post #28!

I have a couple things I want to get to, but first, and I can’t believe I’m actually typing this….let’s talk about France! Ah yes, the official country of cheese, wine, and surrendering. This time for surrendering to the Germans  the primary election in which neither of the big parties won to advance to the head to head round, and instead we have the far right Marine Le Pen vs the leftist Emanuel Macron. Le Pen, as it turns out, has a dad who is a mega racist. She actually kicked her own dad out of the party because of it. Then you’ve got Macron, who’s wife is actually his former teacher in addition to being like 20 years older than he is. Plus, he used to be a member of France’s Socialist Party, but left it because  everyone hates the Socialist Party  he wanted to go a new direction.

So we’ll see how it goes. I mean, I think there’s a bigger point here in the old U S of A, which is that every media member and every political liberal hates Le Pen, because she reminds them of Trump. They’re so fucking desperate for a win against Trump, but nothing is sticking. First they actually lost to him in the election, then they tried to go after Bannon, then they failed to stop Gorsuch, then they went after Spicer, then they couldn’t grab a Congressional seat in a Kansas special election after they made it all about Trump, then they tried the same deal in a Georgia special election and lost, and now they’re trying to tie Le Pen to Trump. I’m not even a Trump fan, at all really, but the Democrats just can’t get anything to stick. Then they have all of these ridiculous marches that nobody gives a shit about. Remember back in the good old days, and by good old days I mean 2008 to 2016, when if you talked shit about Obama it was basically treason? Good times. Again, I don’t even really like Trump, but good God, pick your battles with him a little better. Oh, and before I forget, did you hear about Bernie Sanders? Him and Tom Perez, the chair of the DNC, went on a “Unity Tour” (which sounds like some God awful alt-rock festival). But then this last week, Bernie endorsed some democrat who is also pro-life, and the democrats lost their shit! Which is hilarious, especially in light of the democrats trying to rebrand themselves from the Hillary Clinton pantsuit era to the “new, open to everyone, working for the common man” (giggle) democrats. And so, maybe, although I doubt it, Bernie will get kicked out of his party which he’s not really a member of but used  as a crutch to run for president. And my God, will somebody get Meryl Streep back on her meds!

Oh also, this is officially my favorite thing that I’ve read all week:

-Al Iaquinta, who co-headlined this weekend’s Fight Night card, is still unsure of his future with the UFC given his current compensation. Not getting a $50,000 bonus after knocking Diego Sanchez out cold clearly rubbed the part-time real estate agent the wrong way:

Hey @ufc go fuck yourself

— Al Iaquinta (@ALIAQUINTA) April 23, 2017

I love it! Al Iaquinta ain’t got time for you to sugarcoat it, he’s pissed! Truthfully I don’t even follow him that much, I mean I did watch that fight between him and Sanchez, but I just love how the author of the article tried to make him sound less hostile than he actually was, before just saying fuck it and quoting his twitter. He’s doing the Lord’s work I tell ya.

One final thing to mention is of course the former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez killed himself in prison this past week after he was found not guilty of two counts of murder, but he was still serving time on a separate murder. Apparently he blocked his prison cell door from the inside and covered his floor in soap, so he’d be killed even if he lost his nerve. (I’m not a suicide expert, so yeah that sounds right, I dunno). But anyway, it’s definitely a conflicting story, because on the one hand he did (at least until the appeals come back) kill a guy, but he also had a young daughter and suicide is always sad. Which reminds me, I actually saw something online about this which I thought was a good point, which is if you’re thrilled that he killed himself but will post some bullshit on your facebook for suicide awareness month (whenever it is) then you’re a fucking asshole and a hypocrite. Sorry, can’t have it both ways. If you feel strongly enough about suicide to publicly post about it but then are thrilled and laughing when some guy you don’t like does it, you have no idea what you’re talking about. A little moral consistency never hurt.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading, and remember to give it a like on facebook, and now I’m also obligated to tell you to check out the Wit and Wisdom Podcast, because let’s be honest, you don’t have anything else going on right now.

The Return, the Oscars, and Trump

Holy shit. Welcome to blog post #27, two and a half fucking years after blog post #26. So for those of you who are new here, I used to do a blog which I guess had a decent following. This isn’t me being a prick and being like “hey man, people really loved my thoughts.” I don’t even love my thoughts, people just came here for funny gifs and stream of consciousness thoughts on current events. So after the blog ended, I had a couple people message me or talk to me in person and be like, “hey, what the fuck, where’s the blog?” To which my response always was that I’m too busy. Well I’m still too busy, but I feel like I have a duty at this point, because there’s way too much fucked up shit going on in the world, and way to many shitty ass gifs going around. We have a gif library on Facebook Messenger! That’s way to much power to trust to the masses, you guys. Trump has the nuclear launch codes, but some random 10 year old can just post gifs to his hearts content! Guess which one is more worrisome. I can only really compare it to like, a blind guy is crossing the street, and you either want to help him or just leave it be and see how it plays out, like he can handle it. Well bad news, he can’t handle it, so I’m back with my stream of consciousness bullshit and funny gifs, enjoy!

Let’s kick it off with talking about Trump, because I mean why not. I’m at the point with Trump where I just sit back and go “Well, I’m banking on about 70/30 negative to positive stuff that he does.” Like, he puts a ban on bureaucrats or politicians becoming lobbyists for a certain number of years, ok sweet. Then he goes and talks shit about the Celebrity Apprentice, which, ok, but why? I mean, admittedly, there was plenty about the Arnold-centric Celebrity Apprentice to talk shit about. For example, instead of saying “You’re fired,” he said “You’re terminated.” Which was probably the idea of some bright eyed producer who thinks his next stop is SNL. Whoever came up with the idea that Arnold just recycle his catchphrases should be put on the same shitty island where the guy who told him to do all those “Mobile Strike” commercials/abortions will be.

But still, put yourself in Trump’s spot, you’re the leader of the free world. Why is your morning agenda: ISIS, twitter, taxes, talk shit on Celebrity Apprentice, immigration, twitter, twitter? But anyway, I get it, there’s a billion things to make fun of Trump for, so I’m sure that’ll be a weekly installment, but I also get that most people are just sick of political stuff in general, so I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. In the meantime, here’s cooking with Coolio.

The Oscars were last week, and it was fantastic. No, I didn’t watch it, couldn’t give less of a shit honestly. But I love watching deliciously awkward moments, especially on live TV. So they’re up there announcing the winner of best picture, and the cast and everyone goes up onstage only to find out that, sorry, wrong movie, go sit back down. Awesome. It’s hilarious on two levels. First, just on the micro level of everyone freaking out and just the like, you guys had one job, get the right movie. It’s not like you spun a wheel 5 minutes before to decide who won. So it’s great on that level, but then you get to the next level, where it’s huge news and like companies in charge of it are getting fired and whatnot. Again, I get it, but still. Just imagine the CEO of the company in charge sitting there watching this whole fuck up, and he’s just like, well damnit, we’re done. I think I just love the idea of the same people freaking out about this one night and then literally the next morning, they have to go back to real world shit, and be like, “well, yeah that Oscars screw up really bothered me, but today ISIS or pediatric cancer is what I’m worried about.”

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and as always questions, comments, and facebook likes are welcome. Enjoy your cute GIF of the week!

 

Scots, Hackers, and crazy Uncle Joe!

Hello everyone and welcome to post number 26 of the blog. I’ve been planning on writing a new blog for a while but turns out this whole law school thing is a lot of work. But fear not! I’m back, ready with (hopefully) insightful, witty commentary on this crazy thing called life. Or just funny pictures, whichever.

The first thing I need to go over quickly is this leaked photos controversy where a bunch of females celebrities had their computers hacked and naked photos of them taken and then posted on the internet. My first thought is this, and to those of you who read the blog regularly you’ll know where this is going, but where are we at as a society? I mean really? We actually have assholes out there who will expend the calories and the time to find and hack into celebrities computers to steal photos. That’s where we’re at. I mean just….why? Is it just that we as a younger generation have too much time on our hands? I mean don’t get me wrong every generation has it’s share of weirdos/assholes, but you don’t have as much time to be a weirdo when you’re storming the beaches at Normandy ready to take on the Germans. Not to get on my high horse here, but c’mon guys, a little less computer hacking and a little more time on the treadmill might do you some good. So that’s where we’re at as a society. But issue two is we do this move where we put stuff online, even in secure areas like the cloud, but we still expect bank level security. I’m not saying you should never store anything online, but if you have some…ahem….private material, put it offline somewhere. Because some hacker will figure your computer out eventually, and there’s no shortage of hackers. ISIS has hackers for Christ’s sake, and before they made some moves they barely had two shekels to rub together. 

Oh and speaking of ISIS, according to the oracle known as “crazy uncle” Joe Biden we’re “following them to the gates of hell” which sounds like fun. We haven’t had a good chase to the gates of hell since when Captain America promised to take Hitler there. Is Joe Biden auditioning for a movie or something? How great would it be to be vice president? Just make broad declarative statements, but really have no responsibility. You’re basically the political equivalent of Wendy Williams. You’re either nodding in agreement or quickly googling Wendy Williams. 

Since we’re on the topic of making broad declarative statements, Gene Simmons claims rock n’ roll is dead. He makes some good points about the state of rock n’ roll in 2014, but to say it’s dead is ridiculous. It’s changing, with more focus on streaming and purchasing online (and yes downloading illegally) but if anything it’s given new bands more venues to share their music, as well as older musicians a chance at a resurgence. (Case and point these two songs from Slash (formerly of Guns and Roses) and Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, both of whom released new kickass songs with new bands)

Nice try Gene.

Even though it’s not a U.S. issue, I want to touch quickly on the vote coming up next week in Scotland on whether they should separate from the rest of the U.K. Long story short it’s been an issue for years whether Scotland should separate, but given the current political and economic and climate in the U.K., especially where the British government in London in relation to the Scottish government in Edinburgh is concerned, many Scots have basically adopted the ideas of “we can do better on our own”. Now everyone from former British P.M. Gordon Brown (a Scot) to current P.M. David Cameron to the Queen of England herself have all jumped in to try and convince people to vote no in regards to separation. We’re talking the whole nine yards politically speaking, from economic packages to bills which gives the Scottish government more freedom is just about every respect. It’s kind of cute in a sense, it’s like “honey, I promise I’ll mow the lawn just don’t file for divorce” or Burger King introducing a new burger to stop us from going to McDonalds. But if the referendum succeeds, I suspect the Scots may find out that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, nor was it long enough to warrant mowing, and that while Burger King sucks, McDonald’s blows ass. Nothing a little fiber can’t clear up though.

 

Random Thoughts:

• Ray Rice is a scumbag, it kind of goes without saying at this point but yes, I do think he deserves what he got as far as being suspended indefinitely goes.

• Hey people who try to make a left at a stoplight with no green arrow and a mile of cars behind you: knock it off. You may be saving 2 minutes but you’re costing everyone else a good 5 minutes each. 

• One of my new projects I’m working on is a new podcast which is coming along nicely. Stay tuned for that and some more standup dates.

• Are we still worried about Ebola? It was huge news for like a week and then disappeared. The U.N. is still worried about it, but aren’t they also still worried about swine flu? (you don’t remember swine flu?….exactly)

• The first week of law school was so stressful that I high fived the random guy behind me in the lunch line on friday just because it was friday.

• Seriously though, how much would you pay to see a pig who drank 18 beers fight a cow?

• Does anyone actually want to subscribe to the “Sarah Palin Channel” to hear Sarah Palin’s thoughts everyday? I mean I’m loosely a Republican (more libertarian on some stuff) but even I’m like “24/7? Absolutely not!”

• Quick NFL winner picks for week 2: Pittsburgh, Miami, Washington, Dallas, Arizona, New England, New Orleans, Atlanta, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Seattle, Houston, Green Bay, Denver, San Fran, Philly. 

I almost forgot the dumb tweet of the week, This gem comes to us from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention, even though it’s a little late, the death of Robin Williams. His movies made us laugh as well as cry, and by all accounts he was a kind hearted, genuine human being both onset and in his everyday life. He will be missed.

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! As always, questions, comments, and shameless ego feeding (ala facebook likes) is welcome! And now for the cute GIF of the week!

Gaza, Salads, and the Return of the Brain Trust

Hello and welcome to post numero 26 of the blog! Ah yes, you’ve been asking for it, and it’s finally arrived. I know you’ve been racing to your computers everyday hoping that maybe, just maybe, a new blog is on it’s way and finally at long last it’s arrived. (Okay, I’ll stop….sorry that got a little out of hand….) On with the blog!

The first thing I want to touch on is the Israel vs. Hamas faceoff in Gaza, which isn’t really news to me anymore as it falls more into “yeah that sounds about right” category. I feel like at this point there’s just a customary scuffle that has to take place every year or so, just so we’re all reminded the Israelis and the Palestinians don’t get along. I actually laughed out loud the other day when I read an article where the U.N. condemned the U.S. and Israel for “war crimes” for not sharing their Iron Dome missile defense systems with Hamas. Just in case you were still on the fence about whether or not the U.N. was a joke. Imagine if the U.N. had been around during WWII? “Hey guys, I understand that you’re busy bombing the hell out of the Nazis, but would you mind just giving them some anti aircraft guns. Just to make it sporting?”

Oh and also, apparently this is news to everyone: but the Iranians are arming Hamas. I just…again, this falls into the “yeah sounds about right” and…excuse me, I just need a moment… THIS MADE THE NEWS!! HOW SLOW OF A GODDAMN NEWS DAY WAS IT? IT’S NOT LIKE THE IRANIANS HAVEN’T HATED ISRAEL’S GUTS FOR YEARS! OF COURSE THEY’RE FUCKING ARMING HAMAS! Alright I’m better now. My only question is this: Will Iran be sharing those weapons with the Israelis as well? I mean where’s the U.N. on that one?

Speaking of things from the “yeah of course” category, can we all safely assume that the Russians were somehow involved in the plane being shot down over Ukraine? I’m not saying they physically shot it down or even asked for/wanted it to happen, but I assume there was some sort of a wink and a nod between them and the Ukrainian rebels. I don’t really have any solid facts except, I mean it’s the Russians, they’re usually just hanging around when something goes bad.

I decided to order a salad from Subway yesterday, and yes this is going to be one of those “first world problem” rants but just go with it. Let me just say this about their chopped salads: Who decided they needed to go from regular salad to chopped salad? Was there a meeting or townhall style forum of some kind? Were Jared and his giant forehead taking turns moderating? Was there an outcry of some kind? Did enough people go into Subways across America and go “You can take your UNchopped salad and stick it, sir!” Here’s the problem with chopped salad, everything gets crushed together. It’s not chopped, it’s more like mushed, and then to top it off it looks like hell when it’s done. It’s just weird tomato juice mush with lettuce and whatever other ingredients there are. I don’t even get subway salads that often, in fact I probably get salads as often as I use the word “narc” in conversation, but somebody had to speak up.                                                                                  

 

Since this is most likely the last blog of the summer (maybe!) I thought that it would be fun to go over what’s getting a little more time on my iPod as of late, the songs of the summer if you will. Mind you, these aren’t necessarily new songs or even songs that have anything to do with summer, but simply songs I’ve been playing a little more than usual. So give them a listen and let me know what you think!

• “Bent to Fly” by Slash featuring Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators
• “Tonight” by Fozzy featuring Michael Starr 
• “Have a Little Faith In Me” by John Hiatt
• “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes
• “Makes Us Stronger” by Throw the Fight
• “SOS” by ABBA (Fozzy cover)
• “Helluva Life” by Frankie Ballard
• “Red Dirt Road” by Brooks and Dunn
• “Gotta Get It Right” by Sixx A.M. (released August 5th, so very new)

I know for the last dumb tweet of the week I moved away from the brain trust known as the Kardashians, but fear not! They’re back…..with a vengeance!!

For the song of the week I decided to dig up an old classic, hopefully you’ll enjoy it:

Finally, here’s your cute GIF of the week! That’s all for now, I hope you enjoyed reading it! Remember to like this post on facebook and as always questions and comments are welcome!

The Journey, ISIS, and Breaking Records

Hello everyone and welcome to post #25 of the blog. I usually don’t put two blogs this close together but I do have a few things to complain about, plus the last blog did very well as far as views (breaking records good) so I just thought why not. So without further adieu, on with the blog!

First thing’s first: Hey Iraq, what the fuck happened? How could you have possibly shit the bed this badly? The United States, also known as the greatest military in the entire world, just trained you for years! We didn’t show up and train you over a weekend at Kamp Krusty, we trained you for YEARS! Then we decide to leave, and to be fair, you clearly weren’t ready to handle things on their own. I think quite a few American commanders knew that, but hey when the big guy in the White House says leave, you leave. So lay that blame at the feet of who you will, be it Bush, Obama, or the head honcho in Iraq. But now this group called ISIS, which from what I’ve read is a Sunni-based extremist group. When I say extremist, I mean eeeeexxxxxxtttttrrrreeemmmmiiissssttt!!!!

Like so extreme that Al-Qeada, yes THAT Al-Qeada, kicked ISIS out of their extremism club for being too extreme! That’s like being kicked out of Weight Watchers for being too fat, like being kicked out of Brazil for loving soccer too much, or like being kicked out of California for having too many beanies. So now they’re on the move, and moving fast. So fast that the Iranians are sending troops to help out the Iraqi government. Which is weird because the Iranians couldn’t give a fuck about anyone, with the exception of Israel. Now the big discussion is whether the U.S will send troops. Obama already sent a few hundred troops to protect the embassy in Baghdad, which to me seems unnecessary. I mean why not just, you know….evacuate the embassy? Since we’re all about leaving foreign countries and whatnot now. Plus if we really wanted to help, why not just fire up the AC-130 and the Predator drones? I’ mean that’s what they’re there for right? Missiles/drones is the most we should do in my opinion, it’s not like there’s going to be a winner in this situation. One side is to weak to fight off a militia and the other side is ready to stone a woman for reciting her ABC’s.

For a while now I for some reason have noticed more and more the run of the mill, everyday stupid shit that people do. Not bad stuff mind you, usually just stuff that is either dumb, tuned out, or just plain old narcissistic. I’ve been trying to think of a way to wrap it up into one nice little blurb, mainly so that by calling it out, we can not do it anymore, you know, like to progress as a society or some shit like that. Also just so you’re aware this segment might be a tad philosophical and metaphorical, so if you don’t like it then feel free to bitch, and likewise if you like it also feel free to bitch. There’s no easy way to segue into this so I’m just going to say it: Every person is on a journey throughout their lives, some make it further than others, but all are on the journey nonetheless. I’m talking about the journey from Asshole Valley to Mount Cool Guy. Let’s be honest, there are things people will do that just irritate most of us, not irritate like curse them out in a Wendy’s but more like look at your watch and tap your foot while in line. Also keep in mind this is just my opinion, like I said it’s little everyday stuff that annoys me, but I’ll assume that some if not most of it also annoys you. So here ya go, the list of things that in my opinion you shouldn’t do if you want to move out of Asshole Valley and onto Mount Cool Guy.

• “Hold on, I think I might have some change.”-I get it, you have some change in your pocket you want to get rid of, but guess what, why don’t you go home and put in in a jar like every other fucking person and take it to the bank once a month? There’s a line behind you, and the last thing we (the line) need is for you to struggle to find 78 cents, give the guy a dollar and let’s go.
• Person who drives between 50-55mph exactly-Here’s a good rule of thumb: Go between 5 and 10 miles over the speed limit, depending on whether it’s in city limits or not. By you going 50 it means you’re going just fast enough that I have to gun it to get around you. This is the road equivalent of the assholes who walk 3-4 wide in a hallway so you can’t get around them.
• Driver who comes to a complete stop at the railroad tracks with no trains in sight-If you’re a bus or a van with the “This vehicle stops at all railroad crossings” you get a pass. I’m talking about just your regular everyday driver. Listen asshole, there’s no trains within 5 miles of here, so head on a swivel and foot on the gas.
• Put upon sigh guy (or gal)-This type of person is most prevalent at smaller stores, like book stores for example, where the aisles are both smaller and there’s usually people standing around looking at items. I don’t feel like it’s too much to ask for you to take a step to one side if I (or anyone) is trying to get through. I mean it’s not like I’m standing at your door asking if you want to talk about Jehovah or asking to name your first born. This asshole is a close relative to the person who walks out the wrong door at supermarkets and then looks at you like you just bicycle kicked puppy when you go in the right door.

So those are just a few of the the people who have firmly pitched their tent in Asshole Valley, or in some cases even Mount Douche. Don’t be those people, the one thing they all have in common is they really don’t give a damn about the people around them. So my larger message here is this: Be considerate of people around you.

I was going to talk about Lebron James/Miami Heat stuff but I’ll save that for another time. In the meantime here’s your dumb tweet of the week, albeit it’s a bit old but stupid is forever!

I’ve also decided to make a minor change to the blog, as I’m going to replace the Disney song of the week with just any old song. The song I chose this week I heard on the radio a few days ago from a band I hadn’t heard of up until then. It’s a great song, has solid lyrics and I really liked it, so hopefully you do too.

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and as always questions, comments, and facebook likes are welcome. Enjoy your cute GIF of the week!

 

 

Commencements, Kardashians, and Cookin’ with Coolio

Well hello there, and welcome to post #24 of the blog. I know it’s been awhile since the last post, and to be perfectly honest I’ve just had so much other stuff going on I just didn’t have time. The last few months have been both crazy busy and amazing, and I’m hoping more than anything that keeps up, but I finally decided that a new blog was in order. Think of this as season 2 of the blog if you will, so as just a reminder (or to those of you new to the blog) let’s go over a few basic tenants.

• First and foremost the whole point of the blog is to make you laugh or at least smile. I know it sounds cliche but I’m convinced that if more people laughed or smiled the world would be a better place. If I say something insightful and get you to think that’s a bonus.
• Don’t take 75% of the stuff I write seriously, like I said it’s intended to get you to smile.
• For you new readers, I’ll be using something called GIF’s quite often, they’re basically just short moving pictures and they’re usually pretty funny. For you who has read the blog before, I’ll be pulling some old GIF’s out of storage, so enjoy.

So without further adieu, on with the blog!

 

So I was at my sister’s high school graduation commencement ceremony the other day and the more I sat through it, the more I think it could use a few updates. Now before anybody gets on their high horse about “tradition” let me point out a few things. First off I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but graduating high school in 2014 isn’t really a big deal. I mean does it mean something? Sure it does, but nowadays when 80% of kids go onto college or some form of higher ed it really doesn’t mean much. It’s like graduating the 8th grade, congrats now get back to work. I realize it may have meant more 20+ years ago when the majority of kids didn’t go onto college, but thats not the case anymore. So with that in mind here are my recommendations to spruce up high school commencement ceremonies.

• No more “Pomp and Circumstance” as the graduates enter and leave. I want Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” and/or Europe’s “The Final Countdown”. The song the graduates leave to is either “The Imperial March” from Star Wars or “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day.
• I get that when the graduates walk in at the beginning it’s supposed to be a big deal. But let’s change that up too. You can either run out like football players through a giant inflatable with a bunch of fog and high fives if you’re a guy, or down a runway like a fashion model if you’re a girl.
• Can we all get together on whether it’s allowed to cheer when a person receives their diploma or not? I don’t care either way but let’s just pick one and stick with it
• I feel like we don’t need to award high honors or even honors at a high school graduation. The reasoning behind this is actually fairly simple: If you take harder classes (ie Advanced Placement, college credit classes etc) you’ll probably have a lower GPA than someone who took layup classes like gym (see what I did there?). I realize not everyone who gets honors took easy classes but I also realize that not everyone who took college level courses was awarded honors.
• Have the students vote and pick a few teachers to give a short speech at their graduation. It will mean a lot more than the principal talking for 5 minutes and will make the students feel like they had a small say in their commencement.

Oh and speaking of high school classes, I’ve found what should be required reading for all home ec classes.

Now I’ve never actually read this book, but rest assured if I ever want a delicious five star meal (at a one star price) AND raise my street cred, I’ll have it overnighted to my house. I’ve read some reviews on it and it seems like many people’s favorite part is how he refers to a tablespoon as a dimebag. Oh Coolio.

 

I feel like this is the part of the blog where I chat about politics or the like, but honestly I haven’t kept up on it. Not that I don’t read the news, I just don’t break it down much anymore in my head. I’ve found I’ve just kind of had the “yeah that figures” attitude. I think part of it is we’ve just had shitty news for so long that I’m not really surprised anymore. The Bowe Bergdahl thing was a disaster, the VA scandal was sad and a disaster, and I mean there’s other countless news stories where I just read it and go “yeah that sounds about right.” Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, alright now I need to bring the mood back up with something.

Hmm let’s see, well Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married. To me that doesn’t quite make it up to the level of news. Part of me hopes they had personalized vows just so Kanye could promise to not interrupt her at any large events. Plus I think it would be fun to Kim read her vows where she misspelled every other word. And yes I realize that it’s too dated and almost too easy to make fun of the Kardashians, but I just can’t resist.

Random Thoughts:

• Saw a guy with huge tires on his riding lawn mower the other day and just thought “What’s the point of those tires, I mean is your lawn in the Amazon jungle?”
• How much do I have to pretend that I care about the World Cup? Is it more or less than I pretend to care about lacrosse or the WNBA…or the NBA?
• Can we just rename in the NBA Finals “The Lebron James Invitational.”
• Saw a news article today warning pregnant women to avoid fish high in mercury, especially (in this was in the article) shark and swordfish. So sorry ladies, looks like shark is off the menu.

That’s all I have for now. I know this blog was a little shorter than usual, but honestly I’m just trying to get back into the groove of things and I’ve had a lot of different stuff going on and a lot of stuff on my mind. Oh, and in keeping with tradition of the previous blog posts, here’s your cute GIF of the week and your Disney song of the week!

That’s all for now. I’ll be doing standup sometime in the near future so I’ll keep everyone posted on that. Thanks for reading and remember comments and likes on facebook are welcome!

Ducks, Dryers and 2013: GIF In Review

Hey everyone and welcome to post #23 of the blog. Obviously it’s been a while since the last blog, so this might get a little more ranty than usual, but who knows. This past month has been crazy busy as usual. Yes, I know I say I’m pretty busy every time I write the blog so I doubt it even carries are weight at this point, but still. Which by the way, if you want to preserve some shred of your shattered ego after just getting your ass kicked in an argument just say “yeah but still.” Give it a try, I mean don’t get in arguments with people that are clearly smarter than you are, but try it out. Anyway, after two months in the making, here it is: the new blog!!

Oh and by the way before I start, even though I know it’s a bit late I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, heck I even got you something. Hope you like it!

Truth be told I love everybody who takes time to read the blog but a GIF of Stone Cold Steve Austin giving the finger is just too good to pass up. You’re Welcome!

The first thing I need to complain about because everybody seems to have an opinion on it now is Duck Dynasty’s own Phil Robertson making some comments in a magazine article about how he doesn’t understand and doesn’t condone the gay lifestyle because it goes against the Bible. Then he was put on “indefinite hiatus” (which basically means hey you’re fired but you’re also making us more money than a dentist at a redneck convention so technically you’re just off TV) by A&E after they issued the standard “we’ve always been supportive of the LGBTA people etc etc.” Since then basically everyone across the country has come out in support of Robertson or A&E either deeming Robertson “hateful” or saying A&E violated Robertson’s rights. Both of which are B.S. by the way, A&E was perfectly within their right to put Robertson on hiatus, and nothing about what Robertson said was hateful. I could (and probably would upon request) write a thesis paper on why both sides of this argument are just pointless and that people are just whining, but I won’t.  I’m honestly not even to going to get into what I think of what he said because it’s irrelevant. But I mean do we seriously not have any more fuckin problems? World hunger, the Middle East, Tyler Perry movies? Those are all gone? It’s his opinion, he’s entitled to have one, just like we all are. That’s honestly the worst part of this whole retarded hobo crusade that everyone’s on is this thought police B.S. Look, he has a belief that’s different than yours, get over it. He’s not advocating violence or physical harm, so what’s your beef? And the other side of this is in some respects equally as dumb. Quite simply, he’s an employee of A&E, he pissed off the powers that be and so he’s off TV. He hasn’t been fired, he hasn’t been harmed in any way I’d argue. I didn’t agree with what A&E did either but the guy is worth $400 million, I think he’ll be fine. The whole thing is just a giant crapshoot, and I mean considering Uganda just passed a law which makes homosexuality a punishable offense, I’d say we’re in the upper tier when it comes to our overall gay tolerance, despite all the whining we have to listen to from every LGBTA group. Oh, and now A&E removed him from hiatus, which basically means now everyone hates them instead of just the pro-Robertson people from before. Great work!

Yeah it’s going to be one of those blogs.

Like many of you, I was one of the poors saps that put all of my Christmas shopping until December 23rd, which I guess overall wasn’t bad except for two big gripes I have, not even so much with Christmas shopping itself as with tolerating people who have the IQ of Kim Kardashian.

So one of the things on my Mom’s Christmas List was a new hair dryer, so I decided to get that. Never in a million years would have I thought it would be so goddamn difficult. So my brother and I are sitting there in Target looking at different ones while having no idea what the difference is between turbo dry, super dry, ionic dry, dry&style and whatever else there was. So I’m sitting there on my phone which has no reception because we’re in the back of fucking Target trying to look up reviews while he sticks his head out of the aisle like a GI sticking his head out of a foxhole in Vietnam looking for an employee. Ladies, I’ll be the first one to admit that by and large you’re smarter than we are, not at everything mind you but a fair amount of things, so why do you put up with this?!? Just to prove a point I went to look at men’s electric razors after I finally picked out a blowdryer and they were all clearly labeled with what each one did. Sensitive skin one is here, beard trimmer one is here, contoured chin one is here and etc. So why do blow dryers not work like this? Anyone? Because here’s the best part, some people will say this blow dryer burned their hair and some people say it wasn’t hot enough, it’s just……excuse me I need to yell for a moment…

WHEN YOU DECIDE TO USE WEIRDLY BROAD TERMS WHEN SELLING A PRODUCT IT MEANS NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE BUYING! THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN CHICKS NOT KNOWING WHAT IT MEANS IS DUDES TRYING TO BUY IT FOR A CHICK AND CRAWLING INTO THE FETAL POSITION BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “TURBO” AND “SUPER”. IMAGINE IF SUPERMAN AND TURBOMAN GOT INTO A FIGHT, WHO WOULD WIN?!? NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW IF TURBO IS BETTER OR WORSE THAN SUPER. IF ONE LADY BITCHES THAT HER HAIR IS BURNED AND A DIFFERENT LADY BITCHES HER HAIR IS STILL WET AFTER USING THE EXACT SAME PRODUCT IT MEANS YOU’RE MARKETING TEAM DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IN GOD’S NAME THEY’RE DOING.

Other than that I have no opinion.

Seeing as how it’s the end of the year, I think it would be fitting to pay a little homage to 2013, and what better way to do that than to look back at all the best GIF’s that have graced this blog over the past  year. I know right? Brilliant.  So without further adieu, I present a very special 2013: GIF (…or JPEG I guess) in Review!!

Random Thoughts:

• I just realized yesterday that it’s called “Downton Abbey” not “Downtown Abbey”. What the hell?
• Speaking of which, am I the only one that sees the irony in taxpayer funded public television playing mostly shows made in the U.K.
• When writing an online review of a product, a little grammar and spelling goes a long way, or at least makes you look like less of an idiot. Someone spelled great Ggreeat on one of the blowdryer reviews I was reading. Are we still wondering why the Chinese are beating us?
• It’s 2013, why is “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter still being played anywhere on TV?
• Got Assassins Creed IV for Christmas and it’s absolutely fantastic. Perfect example of a bunch of little things making a great game.
• Don’t get the new android software update. Just bad. Normally I don’t give a damn about phone stuff but this is just bad news.
• If I had a dime for every fucking time somebody gets on their high horse about being used to the cold because they’re Minnesotan I’d have enough money to fly to Florida.
• I might be a little biased, but I’d say that 2013: GIF In Review is one of the best sections I’ve ever had in this blog. Oh you don’t think so?

That’s all for now. The Disney song of the week is Prince Ali from Aladdin and of course there’s also the cute GIF of the week! Thanks for reading and as always questions, comments, and likes on facebook (they feed my fragile ego!!) are welcome!

Skins, Shutdown, and the Scariest Thing of All Time!

Hey everyone and welcome to post #22 of the blog! First off I want to say thank you to everyone who viewed blog #21. It broke the old record for number of views in a day, and then proceeded to break that record again the next day. So gracias, it feels good when people take the time to come here and read my ramblings about stuff, look at the GIFs, and then let me know how much they enjoyed it. But anyway, there’s plenty of stuff to complain about, so let’s get to it.

I feel like the first thing I need to talk about is the government shutdown and the eventual deal that opened it back up again.And just so we’re clear only like 16% of the government shut down, coincidentally the 16% that not all that many people really have a shit about. I mean sure here and there were a couple of things you couldn’t do, but honestly just find something else to do. It’s not like the Russians were invading and since our government was shut down we couldn’t do anything except some sort of Red Dawn resistance campaign. Which I feel like if there was one thing we learned from this shutdown, it’s that we really don’t need the government as much as most politicians would like to think. Because I mean most stuff our government does they aren’t really all that good at anyway (more on that later). But anyway, eventually Mr. Deer in the Headlights McConnell and John Boehner folded as per the usual, which to some is kind of a disappointment but for most it’s just expected. Because let’s be honest, your standard Boehner and McConnell type Republicans basic strategy is not to win, it’s just to look less bad than the democrats. They’re the schoolyard equivalent of the kid who says “hey guys this could be dangerous” thus making everyone hate him for being a downer and then hate him more when someone is actually hurt.

But speaking of things government isn’t really all that good at, let’s give it up for the Obamacare website. I mean wow, what a technological marvel that website is. It had one job, which was to help you buy insurance, and it can’t even do that. Now understand there are pop up ads that could do a better job of selling me insurance than this government site could. A picture of Aaron Rodgers doing his little belt move thing could sell me insurance, but the entire government could not. And it’s not like Obama walked up to a community college dropout yesterday and was like “hey man build this site”, they had literally hundreds of people working on this, and it’s still way worse than anything Justin Bieber has ever done music wise.

So the website was terrible, which I guess doesn’t prove that the actual program itself is bad, it just proves that the people running it are somewhere between special needs chipmunk and high school dropout on the intellect scale. But more than the program itself, what I want to know is when did we decide that healthcare is a right? I’ve been meaning to break this down for a while and I’m going to try now so bear with me. I hate all these idiot protestors who have signs saying healthcare is a right for everyone and that we deserve healthcare. Guess what, no we don’t. Here’s what you have the right to: to not be killed, to be free do as you please assuming you don’t harm others, and finally the right to go out and get it. That’s it, those three. So when did healthcare, and hot school lunches for kids, and a nice job and all this other BS get thrown in? Here’s a newsflash, if you want nice healthcare, then earn it, if you want your kid to have a good lunch, provide it, if you want a nice job, earn it. Quit asking for handouts and go out and earn your way. Now obviously there are those in society who cannot do that due to a physical or mental disability, and we have an obligation to help those people, but if you’re in your mid 20’s and too lazy to get out of your parent’s basement or if you’re 40’s with a crappy job, it’s your job to go out and fix it. We do this weird thing in society where we all think we’re individuals and we’re all winners and basically what I call this participation trophy mentality, but when it comes to stuff like earning your own way now all the sudden we think we have a right to success.

But anywho, back to the healthcare law. Yeah it’s basically a giant crapshoot. But it did give us this little gem.

Well I’m sold

Part of me hoped the guy in the middle fell and broke his neck seconds after this picture was taken, but then I realized that as a taxpayer I’d probably be paying for this brainiac’s surgery. But go ahead, slam some nattys, the working people of America got ya covered (by the way, I believe it’s do you have insurance, not do you got insurance, but I digress) At first when I saw this I thought it had to be fake, I mean everything about it, from the flag with too many stripes to the 90’s cut off jean shorts to the painfully unfunny “brosurance”, but nope, it’s 100% real.

The other main thing I wanted to talk about quickly is the Washington Redskins controversy over their name. Because apparently now everyone is an expert on Native American history. I guess I find three things about this whole thing interesting. First of all it’s not like they changed their name to the Redskins last month, they’ve been the Washington Redskins for as long as any of us can remember, so why did we decide to start caring now? Second, redskin actually refers to the warpaint the Native Americans wore into battle, not the actual color of their skin. Which as far as I’m concerned makes them the racists for thinking it referred to skin color. And third if we change the name of the Washington Redskins, I’m assuming we’re also going to change the name of every other Native American type sports team name? And by the way, who won the war? Did the Europeans win or was it the Native Americans? How about we change the name and every Indian owned casino donate all of their profits made off the palefaces to get all the merchandise changed over? I understand if something is clearly offensive to change it, but honestly this is just one of those things that since we live in a first world country we don’t really have actual problems, so we just make them up and blow them out of proportion.

Since Halloween is coming up I decided to scour the internet (and by scour I mean use the number one story on a couple websites a few weeks ago) and present you with the most terrifying thing you have ever, and will ever see. In the words of one of my favorite high school history teachers before he showed us some gruesome war video, “I hope you had a light lunch.” Behold!

The worst part of that is now you have to pretend to just go back to normal life and act as if it never happened. Like Frodo at the end of the Lord of the Rings, but you can’t, it’ll haunt you forever. So I had to come up with a way to gently ease out of that, at least try to restore some childlike innocence you had, and one word came to mind: Disney. So for the very first time, I present the Disney song of the week. I could be just like everybody else and play “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” from Toy Story, or “Hakuna Matata” from the Lion King, but I decided to be a trendsetter and play one of the lesser known Disney hits, a Phil Collins classic from the movie Brother Bear.

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and all always questions, comments, and likes for this post on facebook (to feed my fragile ego!!) are welcome. Here’s your cute GIF (although this is a JPEG, but that sounds dumb to say cute JPEG) of the week!

Miley Cyrus, Syria, and Other Things We Should Ditch

Hello everyone and thanks for joining me for post #21 of the blog. Since college classes officially started for me this past week, it means summer is over, and thus, I may find some time to update the blog more regularly. We’ll see, I’ve got a hankering for some Chinese food so we’ll see what Confucius says about it via fortune cookie. But anyway, if you enjoy the blog be sure to listen to my radio show every Friday from 6-8pm on KSSU online (google it). Also while I’m in shameless self promotion mode I’d like to thank those of you who came out to see me do standup this summer. With school starting back up that will be on the back burner but I’m still hoping to do it every once in a while. But anyways, on with the blog!

The first thing I want to quickly address is the Miley Cyrus dance/strip/whatever the fuck it was from the Video Music Awards. I’ve seen so many news people talking about it lately saying the same “it was dumb/gross/disgusting/skanky/dumb” and I don’t disagree, but I do think it would be hilarious if just one male news anchor, preferably older and semi creepy, was like “hey I thought it was kinda hot.” I’d laugh my ass off, and if you say you wouldn’t I’m prepared to call you a liar. Yes, it was dumb/skanky/classless/ whatever else, but let’s get a couple things straight: firstly, she’s clearly insane and I submit to you exhibit A: her haircut. Secondly, the fact that we’re even talking about it is exactly what she wanted. I could give a shit less about Miley Cyrus, she’s basically in pre Lindsay Lohan rehab mode, which is fine, I’ve got too many other things to worry about to give a fuck. The same people that bitch about how skanky her performance was are the same people who will be sitting down to watch “Entertainment Tonight” to see what restaurant she ate at the next day. Why do we give a fuck? She was sent out there by some asshole fashion designer, told to do some moves by some dumbass choreographer, while singing her song someone probably at least in part wrote for her, all while her agent sat in the back and tried to convince Billy Ray that “any press is good press” after his jaw hit the floor. Can we move on to stuff that matters now?

The Syrians are back in the news after allegations (although let’s be honest, we all know it’s a fact) that Syrian President Assad used chemical weapons on some of his people. Afterward, the U.S. and Britain decided to move warships into position so they can shoot off some cruise missiles because apparently some sort of line has been crossed. I say apparently because let’s be honest, both the Syrian government and the rebels are not a great group of folks. If you think the rebels are great, I’ll just leave this here for you:http://www.bizpacreview.com/2013/06/30/vatican-confirms-catholic-priest-beheaded-by-syrian-rebels-78943. But something about this doesn’t add up quite right. I mean why would Assad go to all the trouble to gas a few hundred people when it was made clear almost a year prior that the U.S. would attack if he did? He can’t even handle the rebels, much less the U.S. and British military. Dictators are all about two things: power and survival, and he’s not doing to well with the power part, and with the West getting involved his chances of survival are getting low as well. I’m not saying there’s some giant conspiracy, but it does seem a bit odd no?

But here’s the bigger picture, I think it’s been well established that both of these sides are bad news, so why should we get involved at all? Think of it like this: Imagine you have the choice between going to see a really shitty black comedian who’s only joke is “there’s a black man…in a white house…” or an equally shitty white comedian. I don’t want to name one so I’ll just make up a name…let’s say Rob Schneider. So your options are as follows: A. Go to either of the comedians and hate it, B: Kill both comedians or C. Stay home. Option B seems a bit extreme, option A makes it looks like you’re supporting one shitty comedian over the other, which leaves C, stay home. Why not just stay home? Thankfully the British are starting to come to their senses after Parliament voted down PM David Cameron’s war request, and the U.S. has now backed off, at least for a little while. We’ll see where it goes, but I for one hope we just stay the fuck out of it.

Several days ago the Minnesota Twins, in another show of their bumbling stupidity, traded hometown favorite Justin Morneau to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Alex Presley and some cash. Now I know this blog has some readership outside MN, but for those of you who live in MN or consider yourselves MN Twins fans, I have some advice for you: Stop supporting the Twins organization! Pick a different team to support, anybody else! I’m supporting the New York Yankees, which I’m probably going to receive some heat for but I don’t really give a fuck. Pick any other team to support, whether it be the Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs, Dodgers, Phillies, Rangers, or anybody. Just do not give any more money to the hacks that run the Twins organization. They’ve single handedly run the organization into the ground by getting rid of players who showed even a little promise year after year. Justin Morneau, Torii Hunter, Johann Santana, Ben Revere, Corey Koskie, Jacque Jones, David Ortiz, Joe Nathan, A.J Pierzynski, Jason Bartlett, J.C. Romero, Jason Kubel, Michael Cuddyer, Carlos Gomez and the list goes on. But like a bunch of fucking spineless morons, we’ve supported these idiots as they sold everybody downriver just to save a buck. If you aren’t fucking outraged by this, you’re either blind, or more likely, dumb. Quit acting like a bunch of cattle, nodding your head while the idiots who run the Twins try to sell you a shit sandwich. And just to be clear I’m not knocking the players, and I’m not knocking Gardenhire, they’ve done what they could with the shit hand they’ve been dealt, I’m talking about the assholes who run payroll, who decide who gets traded, who are in charge of everything besides the actual playing of the game, and especially the idiot owners.  So rise up with me and turn your back on the Twins, because frankly they’ve turned their backs on you some years ago.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been reading quite a few lists, not intentionally but apparently journalists now think lists are a good way to convey shit. So I though eh what the hell I’ll make a list too, I can err… hang with the cool kids.

So anyway, here’s my semi narcissistic 15 Rules for Success.

1. Assume that you have the world’s worst luck, and shape your work and work ethic accordingly.
2. Learn that nobody outside of your family, your significant other and a few of your friends really gives a shit about you. This is not a bad thing!
3. Don’t be too fond of complaining, unless of course you have a radio show or standup comedy bit where people pay you to complain. If you don’t like something, go out and change it.
4.Have at least one Jewish friend.
5.Take time to improve your appearance. Don’t obsess over it, but realize that it’s the first thing people see, and sometimes it’s all they see.
6.Only use public restrooms in case of emergency, and when you do always use the handicapped stall. A little extra leg space never hurt anyone.
7.Get up and get involved in stuff, you meet new people, get your name out there, and it gives people the impression you kind of matter, even though you probably don’t.
8.Value social interaction, even if it’s just sitting around bitching about how much the Twins fucking suck.
9.Limit the amount of things you give a damn about. Kim Kardashian’s kid doesn’t have any impact on your life, so why are you sitting there watching Entertainment Tonight like a tool?
10.Be thankful you live in the greatest country in the whole damn world, because statistically you should have ended up in Africa somewhere under some nutty warlord, with a dirt floor and no cable TV.
11. If it doesn’t either make you money or make you happy, you shouldn’t be doing it.
12. Employers don’t give a shit about your “individuality”, the give a shit if you can be a good employee.
13. Always have a verbal “Fuck off” chambered and ready to use.
14.Being smart is mostly about being curious, but not bi-curious.
15.This tip is for the men: Know whether you look good with a beard or not. If you’re not sure you probably don’t, and there are few things worse than a creepy guy with a shitty neckbeard.

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and as always questions and comments are welcome. Oh, and remember to like this post on facebook since it feeds my narcissistic ego.

Christie vs. Paul, A-Rod, and the return of cuteness!!

Hello everyone and welcome to…wait for it….post #20 of the blog. I know it hasn’t been all that long since the last post, but frankly a lot of stuff has happened, and yes even though I’ve been busy with the usual shenanigans (standup, podcast, LSAT, and general summer tomfoolery) I just thought I’d take a night and write about the happenings of the world. And hot damn have there been happenings, everything ranging from A-Rod to Anthony Weiner’s rod.But I want to start off with something a little bit bigger than either of those (both literally and figuratively), that being the war that’s starting between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. If you don’t follow politics, you’ve probably at least heard of these two and hopefully are at least a little curious why they’re fighting if they’re on the same side. If you follow politics, then this is the next Star Trek vs. Star Wars! Hogan vs. Andre! Ketchup vs. Mustard! N’SYNC vs. Backstreet Boys! Eminem vs. Britney Spears (ok maybe not that last one)

But it’s been fun, what with Christie complaining about the libertarians, and Rand firing back that Christie is basically in bed with the NSA and now they both are saying that their respective states are on the receiving end of too much pork barrel spending. If I really wanted to I could sit here and write a huge thesis paper about the finer points of libertarianism and modern Republicanism and how it fits into the Christie vs. Paul feud, and I wouldn’t mind doing so, but it’s probably just easier to let them fight it out in the ring, or octagon, or circle of death where Homer Simpson fought some bikers, whatever.

Alex Rodriguez is back in the news, this time facing punishments from Major League Baseball for using steroids (again). Based on what I’ve read, A-Rod could get anything up to a lifetime suspension based on the MLB’s investigation. Normally I don’t cover sports all that much in the blog, I mean that’s what ESPN is for, so I’ll try and make this quick. The powers that be in baseball are going to have to decide what direction they want to go sooner or later on steroids. If you want them stopped, then let’s start handing out some real punishments, like lifetime suspensions. On the other hand, Daniel Tosh had a bit a long time ago where he talks about how sports needs steroids, because which America do you want to live in: the one with pitching battles and Joe Buck on commentary?

Or the one with lots of homers as “America” is written in fireworks above the stadium and everyone is sipping on cheap (but delicious!) beer.

But in all seriousness, if you want the steroid use to stop, make it a big deal to be a professional baseball player. If you’re a pro baseball player, you’re part of an exclusive group, a group whose talent got them to that level, not some group of Sam’s Club shoppers who have two nickels to rub together to buy a membership. Part of being in that group is having rules, and strict rules. If you break them, you’re out faster than every woman in Anthony Weiner’s contact list. No if, ands, or (fully clothed) buts.

Oh let’s see, what else? Oh there’s a new member to the royal family, if that’s a big deal to you. Not really a big deal to me, I feel like we fought a war so we wouldn’t have to hear about it, but whatever, at least the kid doesn’t have some dumb directional name. Plus I’m tempted to make some dumb diaper joke, but I won’t do it. Instead I’ll just leave this here and let you fill in the spaces.

It’s been brought to my attention that there’s been a disturbing lack of cuteness in this blog as of late, and for what it’s worth I agree. So without further adieu…the return…of the cute gif (or maybe picture, who knows!!!) of the week!!!!!!

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading and as always questions and comments are welcome. Remember to like this post on facebook (it feeds my fragile ego!)