Dentistry, the NSA, and Gay Divorce Court!

Hello everyone and welcome to post #19 of the blog! I’ve been pretty busy lately with a bunch of different things, including studying for the LSAT test, my new podcast (coming soon to iTunes hopefully!), writing and performing standup, and just general other work and tomfoolery and what have you. But anyway some of the stuff I’m going to talk about might be a little late as far as news goes, but what do you want? It’s a blog with funny pictures, which is more than what CNN does.

First thing I need to address is the DOMA being struck down and Prop 8 in California being struck down. Honestly I don’t care, I mean it doesn’t affect me, except for maybe if the TV show “Gay Divorce Court” picks up steam, which for the record I hope it does. The judge would just be a super homophobic old white guy, with a sassy black female bailiff, and maybe the Men’s Warehouse guy in the gallery who’s only function is to analyze what each litigant is wearing. But yeah other than that I don’t give a shit. Like I’ve said a thousand times, pay your taxes, have a job, don’t hurt people or break the law and I don’t give a damn about you. Do I endorse it? No, but I don’t endorse Tyler Perry movies either, but I guarantee you he’ll have some abortion of a movie out next year regardless.

Coming 2014!!

Next up I want to go on a fairly long jag about the whole NSA/Snowden thing, because frankly I’m sick of hearing about it and I don’t give a damn about any of it. I’ve also decided that’s going to be the title of my next book “Things I don’t give a shit about, and why you shouldn’t either.” But anyway, here’s the deal: If the U.S. government really wanted Snowden that badly, we would have him already. Do you really think that the country that hunted down Osama Bin Laden is powerless while some guy is giving us sass from a Russian airpot. But that’s not all that important, here’s what is: the government already knows all about you. They know your name, address, income, age, family information, etc. If you don’t believe me try not paying your taxes for a few years or try to add a porch onto your house without getting a permit and see how long it takes before a guy dressed up like Bert Macklin shows up to your house to financially rape you.

Here’s the other issue with this, which is that I don’t really give a damn if the government reads my emails or knows whom I’ve called. I know this is kind of a departure from my usual civil libertarian way of thinking, but the more I think about this the more I realize it’s just a giant pool of narcissism. I don’t want the government reading MY emails, I don’t want the government knowing who I called, I don’t want the government knowing all about ME. Is it kind of disturbing that the government will see all of my “This Day in History” emails or that I called Dominoes two days ago, yeah a little. But do you know what else is also a tad disturbing? That the government assigned me a fuckin number to track me through my entire life, called a Social Security Number. So my point is twofold: firstly quit being a bunch of narcissists, nobody in government really gives that much of a damn about you, and second, the ship that has all of us concerned that the government is tracking us has sailed already, like 70 years ago.

I’m thinking to wrap up this week’s blog I’m going to have another installment of random thoughts, but before I get to that I was at the dentist today and I need to just gripe about it for a second. I’m convinced I need to set up some sort of seminar with the American Dental Association and be like “hey guys, here’s some common sense stuff that you as dentists, and more importantly as people with a brain should know about.” First off, don’t ask me if I drink pop, everyone does, so don’t ask and then guilt trip me for 10 minutes despite the fact I’ve had no cavities since I was about 9. It should basically be the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy of dentists. And by the way, don’t you want your patients to drink pop or other sugary drinks, because at the end of the day it means they’ll probably need additional dental work done? Secondly, I’m all for good conversation, I mean jeez I’m an aspiring comic, I’m all about experiences and conversations with people, but a vital part of a conversation  is me responding, which I can’t do when you’re picking at my teeth with that wire thing, so knock it off. This last thing drives me insane because it probably started out as a solid idea, but it went downhill faster than anything not named “Jersey Shore” on MTV. Which is this, TV’s in the exam room, so far yes, I’m aboard, I can’t talk so I may as well watch or at least hear some TV. But why in the hell would you put on some piece of garbage like “The View” or “The Wendy Williams Show.” So while I’m getting my teeth cleaned I get to listen to some zero like Wendy Williams talk about shoes or watch Whoopi Goldberg on the View look down at somebody over the top of her glasses? Give me a fuckin break, put on CNN or Comedy Central or even better, turn it off and proceed to slap yourself for ruining what could have been a good idea.

Alright, I know I’ve gotten pretty preachy in this blog, so the help offset that I’m bringing back Random Thoughts! Enjoy!

Random Thoughts:

• Hey old people, here’s a good rule of thumb: If your gut hangs out beyond your suspenders, you don’t need them.
• Every time I say the word “cheddar” I make a point to say it with a fake New York accent.
• I’m convinced that the coolest part of being famous would be uttering the phrase “have your people call my people.”
• I feel like Pat Sajack is the type of guy you could have a beer and chat about the 90’s with.
• Can I vote for this guy in the next election?
• 
• My dream is to be badass enough that when the front desk at a hotel asks for my name I drop $100 bill and go “Ben Franklin” and walk away..
• Why is it that we’re letting the Russians jerk our chain as far as Snowden goes? We won the Cold War remember? We’re also the only superpower so why don’t we fucking start acting like it! And that goes for all these South American countries offering asylum too. Yeah sure, offer asylum to people breaking our laws, and we’ll turn your country into a parking lot. Deal?
• Why haven’t the gays hijacked the song “Why Can’t This Be Love?” by Van Halen for their rallies? Not that I would support it, but maybe they need some new PR people.
• I want to have a wine cellar just for the reason of telling people I have a wine cellar.
• I was going to go into a long rant about the George Zimmerman trial but I’m simplify it: He’s not guilty, the prosecution made a shitty case, and the media and black community are on this stupid hobo crusade to make sure his life is ruined.
• Why does the Lookout Security App send me an email every week telling me everything is good? Why not just email me when something bad happens. I’ve never gotten a call from my doctor telling me I’m still breathing.

Alright that’s all for now. I realize this blog was a little politics heavy so I’ll try and make the next one less so (or go back and read some of the old ones, classics, all of them) Thanks for reading, as always questions and comments are welcome. Oh and remember to like this post on facebook (and feed my massive but fragile ego).

Hippies, Nose Rings, and the Most Interesting Bear in the World!

Hey everyone and welcome to post #18 of the blog! First thing I want to cover quickly is Jean Stapleton, who played Edith Bunker on All in the Family recently died and being that she was a part of one of the best shows to ever grace television I felt it was newsworthy. Second thing is I know I’ve talked about it alot, but I am doing good amount of standup this summer. No real dates set, just open mics whenever and trying to get a feel for the whole thing. I’m also thinking about starting a podcast with the hope of eventually getting it on iTunes so if you would like to be a guest, hit me up and we can line something up when and if it gets off the ground. Finally follow me on twitter @TheCommanMan92 since I returned from the boneyard known as Blackberry with a shiny new Samsung Galaxy S3 I can actually do shit now, so yay!! But enough about me, sit back and enjoy the rest of the blog.

The first thing I want to cover quick is just a personal observation I had the other day at the mall. Listen up ladies, here’s the deal, nose rings (not studs, but the actually ring that comes out each of your nostrils) are easily the most disgusting and unattractive thing ever. This has nothing to do with you wanting to stick it to “the man” or hating your parents or whatever dumbshit reason you have, so knock it off. I saw at least 3 women at the mall the other day with this. Why? Fuckin stop it, you know who else was big on nose rings? These guys:

Yeah this happy band is about as pro nose ring, come to think of it as pro ring on any part of your face, as one can be. Guess what happened to them? (Spoiler al….you know what, the movie came out in 2003 and the book came out in 19 freakin 55, if you don’t know what happens yet then too bad) They all fell into a giant chasm which also engulfed the Black Gate after the Ring was destroyed, so yeah, not exactly experts in the fashion world! Knock it off.

A couple weeks ago a bunch of people got together and had a coordinated effort across several major cities to protest Monsanto and GMO (genetically modified foods). I’m not sure which part of this pisses me off the most, so I’ll just start with the general sentiment: can someone tell these people to shut the hell up? Why? Because I guaran-damn-tee that these same idiots are the same ones who are pissed when grocery prices are too high. You can’t have it both ways, either you pipe down when your grocery bill goes up or you cool your jets with the GMOs. Which leads me into my next point, the FDA said there is absolutely no evidence to suggest GMOs are bad. I don’t put much stock in what the FDA says, but this is the same FDA who is probably more well known for the phrase “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease” than for anything else. So when the FDA says something isn’t bad, it’s kind of a big deal. Like I said I don’t put much stock in what they say, but given the choice between them and a bunch of hippies in a ’95 VW van parked outside Trader Joe’s, I’ll take the former.

Oh, and by the way, since we’re concerned with world hunger, wouldn’t it stand to reason that if we found ways to produce more food, we’d be all for it. Try going over to Zimbabwe and explaining that we have ways to produce more food, but we don’t want to because a couple of people got together and decided that, despite scientific evidence, it’s not a good idea. Do you realize how pissed off they would be?!?! “Umm we have thousands of children dying over here, can we get a couple more bushels of corn?” “Haha no we don’t want to risk it. Some guy in his tie dye shirt pulled up some article on his iPhone (with organic hemp case) that this could be bad news bears. Sorry, but hey good luck with starvation.” I’m not going to go up to bat for Monsanto, but all I’m saying is that if you want to buy organic food then go ahead. Likewise, if buying food with GMOs doesn’t bother you, then freakin buy it. Who the hell cares? Put your stupid signs away and go home to do something productive.

I was watching this documentary the other night about North Korea and the whole thing centered around these three people who sneaked into North Korea, secretly filmed it, and then brought it back to the U.S to tell us how bad everything in North Korea is. Pretty interesting, but about every 5 minutes they kept repeating some variation of “They risked their lives to capture this footage to show you, and if they were caught they would almost certainly be executed on the spot” to which I thought “ok, well then just leave.” I don’t think anyone has to prove to us that the North Koreans are bad news, I mean really? Is it worth risking your life to prove to us how royally fucked up North Korea is? It’s bad, we got it. It would be like if Andy and Buzz sneaked over to Sid’s house in Toy Story just to prove to everybody that it was bad. North Korea=bad, we got it? Everybody clear on that? I might be going out on a limb here with no footage to back it up, so I’ll repeat, the North Koreans are bad news bears. Oh, and speaking of bears. Welcome to the best thing ever.

That bear could literally run for office if he wanted to. I mean he listens, he takes directions well, right there’s he’s got a leg (or paw if you prefer) up on most politicians. Now if he can just learn to listen in on people’s conversations and complain about the rich not paying their fair share, he’d be ready for his first full fledged government job! If nothing else the government can just sic him on people, like “oh, (fill in google, verizon, microsoft, or whomever here) you don’t want to give us highly private information on our citizens anymore, well we have this BEAR right here so….”

Alright that’s all for now. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. As always, questions and comments are welcome. Oh, and remember to like this post on facebook because it feeds my massive ego!

The First Blog of Summer!!

**Author’s note: Just so everybody knows I wrote the first part and second part of this blog like 3 weeks apart. At first I was like “Oh, I’ll do a quick blog before hectic finals week”, and then eventually reality set in and I just said fuck it and wrote the rest after finals. So if you notice weird time lapses, or you find yourself going “oh great job on covering something that happened a month ago asshole” that’s why.

Hello everyone and welcome to post #17 of the blog! First thing’s first, my prayers go out to everybody who was affected by Boston Marathon Bombing and the West Texas Fertilizer Plant Explosion, both are horrible tragedies that those affected by may never fully recover from.  I know it’s been forever since I did the last blog so and I wanted to get one done before the craziness of finals week, so hopefully you enjoy it and hopefully I still have that magic touch. Oh, and also a shameless promotion, remember to listen to my radio show this friday as I’ll be pulling double duty by having a show from 6-10 pm, so tune in and listen to me rant about stuff. Also come out and watch me do standup this summer at some point, although I’m not sure of the dates yet so stay tuned. But enough about me, on to funny pictures and rants and other stuff!

Since I spent the majority of today writing a final paper, I’m a little burned out from a “super serious stuff I want to bitch about” standpoint. So I’m not even sure if there will be a serious part of the blog, it might just me doing random everyday shit and funny pictures. Like this one:

I was looking at the back of these Crystal Light packets that you put in a bottle of water the other day. Yes, I have that kind of time, but just listen up. Did you know that a serving size is a half of the packet. You read that right, A HALF OF A FUCKING PACKET! Who is that for? It’s not like you’re buying cocaine and it’s the difference between one gram and two. Is there anybody out there who puts half the flavored water packet in their water? I know this seems kinda minor, but what the hell? Are there people out there who are like “Oh shit, ten calories per serving and there are two servings per pack, better only put half of it in.” Are these the same fuckers that will drive 10 extra miles to get a dollar off their laundry detergent with a coupon? And more importantly, who’s the asshole executive that decided to make each packet two servings, and why the hell did he do it. Again, I know you think this is minor, but yes it even bothers me a little that I noticed this, but what’s the deal.

I was walking to class the other day and the feminists had set up a stand where they were handing out free ice cream sandwiches. First off let me say this, it was a nice gesture, because ice cream sandwiches are fuckin delicious, but really feminists, you’re just making it too easy. You know how sometimes in baseball when you get a fastball over the plate but the pitcher is shitty so it’s basically like a Little League pitch and you just knock it out of the park. But then as you jog around the bases you kinda feel like an asshole because it seemed almost too easy? This is what that feminist sandwich thing is. Did they not think of this? How about ice cream bars, or ice cream cookies, or anything else! It’s kind of like watching the black woman from the Popeye’s Chicken commercial and trying not to chuckle to yourself, it’s hard because it’s so easy!

I’ve figured out that one of my favorite “How am I this fuckin bored” activities is watching rap music videos on youtube and watching people comment on the lack of good grammar. Like “hey man Lil Wayne is such a shitty rapper, the guy can’t even rhyme and when he does he makes up words!” WHAT RAPPER DOESN’T MAKE UP WORDS TO RHYME? What is the other guy supposed to say “oh touche what a good point, I was completely wrong.” Not only is that hilarious to me, but then people will get in fights and go “wow you can’t even spell or use correct grammar, dumbass.” First off, these aren’t Harvard grads watching these videos, it’s suburban white kids and people in the inner cities. Like fuckin Stephen Hawking or Don Rumsfeld aren’t the ones trolling the shit out of the newest Kanye West single. I dunno I just think it’s awesome, but I’m amused by dumb shit like that.

Have you seen this no smoking commercial where this gross old woman takes us through her getting ready for the day? Of course you have, because it’s fuckin everywhere!!! Why is this old bat on my TV, and was it planned to be during mealtime so I can dry heave my cheap college meal? Why is it that we can’t show the end of a GoDaddy commercial but this is ok? Being someone who has never smoked a cigarette in my life, this old bat is actually kinda convincing me to try it. My thought process is basically “Well shit I could smoke ten packs a day and I still wouldn’t look as bad as this goblin.” I completely understand if people hate smoking, I’m no fan of it either, but my God can’t we just say it. Just make a commercial that say “hey smoking is bad and we want to get rid of it.” End. Is there anybody out there that’s like “oh cigarettes are bad for you, that’s new, I’m going to double check that with my doctor because I’m a fuckin moron!”

Let’s see, what other shit can I complain about? Oh I know, as far as history goes, can we divide black comedy up between post and pre Obama? The pre is just “What if the President was black?” and post is just “There’s a black man….in a white house….get it?” Yes, both equally unfunny, oh and it also helps if when you read those last two quotes, give it your best Chris Rock impression. Go ahead, I’ll wait…….

Oh and before I forget, go watch Bo Burnham’s show on MTV at 9:30 central every Thursday called “Zach Stone is Gonna be Famous.”  Normally I don’t recommend any of the BS on MTV, but this isn’t your garden variety MTV shit, this is funny. Hell, you can go on MTV website and watch the full pilot episode right now if you want. That’s all for now, as always questions and comments are welcome.

Pink Smoke, Steve Austin, and the Rise of Rand Paul

Hey everyone and welcome to post #16 of the blog. To be honest I’m a little short on topics this week, so I’ll probably have several short little rants as opposed to a couple bigger ones. But on the bright side, I have a litany (that’s right, litany, it’s in Merriam-Webster’s, definition 2c, if you think it’s a prayer consisting of a series of invocations and supplications by the leader with alternate responses by the congregation then you should slap yourself, because you’re wrong) of funny pictures and GIFs which I’ll use over the next several blogs, so you’re in for a treat.

Normally I don’t ask people who read this blog to do much of anything, mainly I don’t like to underestimate how lazy people are. Not to say that all of you are lazy, or even a lot of you are lazy, but by and large the human race doesn’t give a shit about a great many things. That being said, since you people are here reading this, and thus a bit smarter than the average person, you should take 5 minutes out of your day and sign this: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/designate-may-20th-macho-man-randy-savage-day/2H6B8pnP. Because what did the founding fathers fight for if not for us to immortalize legendary professional wrestlers? Plus we give a day to plenty of stupid shit the way it is (I’m looking at you National Juggling Day) so why not have a holiday that some of us give a damn about. RIP The Macho Man.

As of the writing of this blog, the College of Cardinals is deliberating who to select as the new pope after the previous pope, Benedict the 16th, retired recently. (untimely author’s sidenote: a new pope has been elected, Pope Francis I) The process itself is somewhat interesting, and as is the case whenever anything moderately interesting happens, we have a bunch of nobodies protesting for one stupid reason or another. This time we have a bunch of femi-nazis complaining and using pink smoke (get it?) because…wait for it…there are no females in the College of Cardinals. None!! Zero!!

So the Catholic Church has had this tradition for what? A little under two millennia and now is the time these idiot feminists decide to get together and bitch. By the way, ladies, you should be the most outraged of all at these idiot feminist protesters. These people are the reason that your gender has the gloomy distinction of being the gender that tends to bitch about everything. Now I’m not saying it’s true or not, but these idiots are the reason for that stereotype. These people are nothing more than a bunch of narcissists, they don’t give a shit about the new pope, the College of Cardinals or even the Church for that matter, all they give a damn about is getting their name in the news. All they want to do is get their name in the news at the expense of something way more important than they are. But for some reason, we give them a pass. Why? If a bunch of dudes showed up at a breast cancer fundraiser with a sign that said “What about my prostate yo?” everybody at the fundraiser would tell them to beat it. What if a bunch of straight people showed up at a gay and lesbian rally with a sign that said “My heterosexual ancestors would object to these shenanigans”?

The point is, we don’t allow other groups to take a collective shit at somebody else’s thing, so why are we allowing these feminists to bitch about something which has 2,000 years of history to it. Quit being a bunch of damn narcissists, quit having diarrhea of the mouth, and shut up!

The next thing I want to talk about is Rand Paul and the new Republican Party. First off let me say that Paul, along with guys like Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz and a couple others are renewing the Republican Party, which as far as I’m concerned is fantastic and long overdue. I’m actually listening to Paul’s speech at CPAC now for about the third time and it’s pretty good, and I’d recommend watching it as soon as you can. The speech itself was great, and Paul did a good job of outlining what the GOP needs to represent if they want to win, including an overhaul of the drug laws, balancing the budget, and getting rid of the debt. My inner Ron Swanson stood up and applauded.

But yes it’s been a big couple of weeks for Rand Paul, and for that matter the Republican Party. The old guard of the GOP, aka the John McCain’s and the Lisa Murkowski’s of the world, are in the process of being replaced by people like Paul, which makes some conservatives nervous not because they like RINO Republicans, but they are a little leery of libertarians. Here’s my two cents on libertarians: as I’ve said countless times in this blog, I agree with libertarians ideas 95% of the time, and even that other 5% is debatable. I have a problem with people who say they are libertarian and then use it as an excuse to smoke weed, do nothing, and piss and moan from their mother’s basement. Now I realize that many libertarians aren’t like that, but still. Hell, at this point I’d consider myself more libertarian than I would Republican. I fully support Rand Paul and the changes that are coming to the GOP. If the party changes like every conservative hopes it will, then as far as I’m concerned my “Leave My Shit Alone” Party would be happily rejoin the GOP!

Random Thoughts:

• When did we start giving a shit what Dennis Rodman thinks about anything? Was there a big vote or something that I missed?
• It’s 2013, can we just write a law that says acceptable jeans colors are blue and black? I was getting gas today and one person had on pink jeans, and the other had on purple jeans. Why? It’s Jeans!! And you’re getting gas, not heading to a Jimi Hendrix concert in the 60’s!!
• Seeing conservatives try to troll on the comment sections is easily one of the worst things the internet has given us. I like conservatives and libertarians, don’t get me wrong, but I can only see horribly unfunny Obama nicknames so long. It’s 2013 guys, why is King Obummer still in your lexicon?
• Every time I go to a movie theater I reminded how out of ideas we are.
• If I could pick any three people in the world to have dinner with, it would be: Adam Carolla, Ron Swanson, and Dave Grohl.
• The Catholic Church picked a leader in two days, our government hasn’t passed a budget in 4 years. Think about that.
• Is anybody actually worried about this sequestration BS? I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m very rarely worried about anything that politicians are up in arms over. Rather, I’m worried about the stuff they never bring up.
• Next time you want to feel like a genius but be pissed off the entire time, listen to people over 60 talk about smartphone technology.
• Being that it is 3/16/13, I’d like to wish everybody a very happy Stone Cold Steve Austin Day. Yes, I realize it’s a stretch, but keep in mind the math nerds just got done celebrating Pi Day so deal with it. So pour a nice cold one down your throat in honor of the Texas Rattlesnake himself (and I guess that St. Patrick fellow too).
• Remember to check out my radio show on KSSU! Details and the link are in the last blog, along with lots of other good shit, plus I’m too lazy to copy and paste.
• Like “Occupy Bacon” and “The Inappropriate Gentleman” on facebook. Both are hilarious and hands down two of my favorite pages on facebook.

Thanks for reading!! As always, comments, questions, and like on facebook (to feed my fragile ego) are welcome. Also if you have any topics you’d like me to cover in the blog, feel free to let me know!

The self righteous, a day at the DMV, and my new radio show.

Hello and welcome to post #15 of the blog. This week I want to start off with telling you about a cool side project I’m working on, which is starting on Friday, February 22nd at 8pm, I’ll be hosting my own radio show here at college. I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to be set up yet, but it will include some good music, a little politics, and just generally having fun, making jokes, and not taking anything too seriously. The best way I can describe it as I’m working on it is that it will be similar to the blog and will  just be a fun two hours of radio that will hopefully make you laugh. It’ll be streaming live at http://www.smsu.edu/campuslife/kssu so give it a listen.

I also want to give a shoutout to some random guy on facebook who posted this gem amongst 100’s of other comments on some picture that I don’t remember. I just remember seeing this comment and laughing for 10 minutes straight. So well done.

Today I had to go the the DMV to get my driver’s license renewed, and let me tell you, if you’ve ever wondered why we’re getting beat when it comes to test scores and why people like me bitch all the time, go to the hellhole called the DMV.  I show up there about 2:00 and pick up a clipboard to start filling out the paperwork. Fine, so far so good. In the meantime, some dumb college broad and her friend show up, and I shit you not, wonder aloud where they go to get their license renewed while standing under the sign entitled “License”.

So I finish filling out my form and now I waiting for my number to be called. Meanwhile, the moron ahead of me is wasting everybody’s time because she’s trying to get her license but she doesn’t have the right paperwork. So rather than call or you know, do something logical, she wastes everybody’s damn time by participating in the “I can’t help you if you don’t have paperwork, well I never got the paperwork, well I can’t help you if you don’t have paperwork” cycle with the receptionist. Oh and by the way, speaking of receptionists, is it written somewhere that every DMV office is America must have at least one extremely heavyset, bitchy, middle aged woman who hates everything. Has there ever been an applicant who applied to work at the DMV who showed up for the interview and was told to hit the bricks because she was thin, attractive, and likable? But anyway this other woman finally leaves, I get my license renewed, get back to my car and the first song I hear over the radio is some musical abortion by Pitbull. The perfect shitty ending to my adventure into the cesspool known as the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Speaking of things that drive me insane, how about we all agree to stop posting Marilyn Monroe quotes or random bible verses? Please? Why are we quoting either one? If Marilyn Monroe was such a great role model, she’s wouldn’t have been found dead in a hotel room after she ODed on drugs. And the bible, personally I don’t mind a good bible quote every now and again, especially when there’s a tragedy or you just feel like a particular verse resonates with you in some way, but do we need to do it everyday?!? Really? Why? My belief is that you’re truly serious about your faith, you won’t feel the need to parade it around. Go to church on Sunday, be a good person, and pray. By the way, these are the same people who will post some dumbass photo of like a chick with a kite at sunset and in big letters is written “Just be Yourself” or “You’re the Best” or some other BS. It’s not like there’s a bunch of 90 year old nuns huddled around a laptop like the Donner Party around a campfire updating their facebook and twitter statuses with bible verses.  Do people really need to quote the bible continually just so they can convince us how self righteous and sanctimonious they are? I’ll let you people in on a little secret, if you’re a giant asshole for 23 hours and 50 minutes a day, but then decide update your facebook with a Gospel verse in the last 10, YOU’RE STILL AN ASSHOLE! Let people judge you by your actions and by the good deeds you do, not by bible verses you post everywhere.  I’ll close with this: Guess who quotes the bible more than Jesus? The Pharisees! Go read the bible and check those fellas out, and while you’re there have a glance at Matthew Chapter 6 and get back to me. Deal?

I was planning on talking about the State of the Union Address, but honestly it’s just a bunch of garbage combined with even more grandstanding than usual. I could sit here and pick apart everything Obama said, but instead I’m going to leave you with a piece of advice from one of the greatest thinkers of our time!

You might have noticed the blog lacked a semi serious part, but fear not! I got a little sidetracked with the DMV story so I’ll make sure to have a good semi serious blog section next time. Thanks for reading, and as always remember that questions,comments, and even likes on facebook are welcome.  Remember to listen to my radio show on Feb. 22nd!!

Guns, Dopes, and Diabeetus

Hey everybody and welcome to post 14 of my blog. Originally I was planning on talking about guns and gun violence, but if memory serves me I covered it a couple blogs ago. So this week I’ll be talking about something else a bit more broad, but I just want to do a quick note on gun violence.

I’m sick and tired of people going “I’m against gun violence” as if it some earth shattering statement. Of course you’re against gun violence you moron, I have yet to meet one person who goes “gun violence? Yeah man all for it.” Ironically, all the anti smoking people have the exact opposite problem. I’m fuckin tired of seeing that damn commercial where two kids go into an amusement park and get bum rushed by 80 year old chain smokers with free cigarettes. First off, if you’re against smoking then fine, but just fuckin say it. Don’t act like the Malboro man is riding a damn camel with a comically large sword making people smoke. If you’re smoking and you want to stop, then stop, be a responsible adult. Quit blaming other people for shit, and clean air organization or whatever the hell it’s called, just make a commercial where you say that cigarettes are bad and you hate them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like cigarettes either, I don’t smoke them, never have and never will, but if you wanna light up your Newport on the corner as I drive by with the windows rolled up, what the hell do I care?

This leads nicely into my next point, which is also my broad topic thingy that I hinted at earlier. First off, I’m pissed at the Republicans because they fuckin folded like a bunch of spineless cowards and now all of our taxes are going up. Here’s how the Republicans can redeem themselves to me, mind you even this is a long shot: Walk into the next negotiation to raise the debt ceiling and go “here’s our plan, it’s all spending cuts and no tax raises. We won’t negotiate it, you either take the deal or this government shuts down.” But for now I’m pissed at the Republicans, so pissed in fact that I’m want to have my own party. I’ll name it the “Leave My Shit Alone Party.” Here’s what my party believes in:

1. Don’t rely on the government for shit if you are able bodied. You being poor doesn’t mean you can rely on government. Be responsible and work hard and eventually things will start to look up.

2. You can do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody in any way and you are still self sufficient.

3. Tax everybody the same and don’t hate people who make more than you. That’s class warfare and makes you look like a tool.

4. If you break a law, the punishment is fast and hard. In other words, if you kill somebody and are found guilty, we kill you the next day, not 10 years later after you’ve wrote a book and fathered a couple kids.

5. You being a dumbass does not mean you get money from the government. If you have 5 kids with 4 partners, or you decided to drink and drive and now you’re paralyzed, that sucks, but that does not entitle you to free shit. You made a mistake, refer to rule #1.

5. Use common sense. If that means judging somebody or something then judge away. If you judge wrong then it means you didn’t use common sense. Those people who say “you can’t judge” are usually the most judgmental  If all else fails keep your mouth shut. The only thing you can’t judge is fashion, which ironically is what everybody judges now.

The next thing I want to talk about is this whole business with Lance Armstrong. Keep in mind that I don’t give a damn about cycling, but I do give a damn about people being idiots. Here’s the thing, I don’t think anybody condones what Armstrong did, but let’s also not overlook all the positives he brought into the world. In other words, when looking at this person’s life, is it full of more positives or negatives. For each act a person does, are we moving a stone onto the cosmic plus side of the scale or on the cosmic minus side of the scale. For example,  teaching us about diabetes through muffled short sentences adds one small stone to the plus side.

In contrast, cheating on your wife is one giant stone in the minus side.

The goal of life is to have more positives than negatives. It doesn’t mean that the negatives are ok, but people with more stones on the plus side are generally good and productive members of their society. Lance Armstrong overall in my opinion still has more stones on the plus side. I mean sure he did use drugs to win the Tour de France, but he also is the reason most Americans even know what the hell the Tour de France is in the first place. Don’t believe me? Name five other cyclists who competed in the Tour de France last year. And don’t even get me started on Livestrong and the cancer research they’ve done. I read some article today by some idiot who goes “yeah but he also benefited from Livestrong.” So? Thousands if not millions of other people also benefited, and as far as I’m concerned, helping people is more important than cheating at cycling, which by the way, he wasn’t the only one. Again, I’m not condoning what he did, but I feel like we’re all pretty eager to throw some stones here, and all I’m saying is maybe we should cool our jets.

This week I’m going to try something new here at the blog that I like to call random thoughts. It’s basically just short little thoughts I have while writing that might be funny, informative, or otherwise noteworthy. I won’t elaborate on them, rather I’ll just present them and you can comment or think what you will. If you enjoy this part of the blog, let me know and hopefully it will keep going.

Random Thoughts:

• Can the powers that be at History Channel get back to just having historical documentaries? Is it really necessary to have hours upon hours of Pawn Stars? Don’t get me wrong Pawn Stars is pretty good, but let’s get back to documentaries about whatever war. 
• One of my favorite things about college classes starting up again is all the BS syllabuses (syllabi?) that all have the same basic no shit information. I just want somebody to stand up one day and go “Show up to class on time? That’s new. Better highlight that” and then just stare at the professor.
•  Michelle Obama got a new haircut, yes I don’t care either, but I do find it interesting how her new haircut gets mentioned in the same news segment as her husband becoming the leader of the most powerful country on earth.
• Am I the only one who thought the GIF of the kid dressed as  Batman getting chased by a weiner dog was just hilarious? By the way, if you ever come across some funny GIF’s let me know. I’m always on the lookout for just over the top funny stuff.
• I was going to talk about the Manti Te’o thing a little bit, but honestly don’t we have other things to worry about besides a football player’s fake girlfriend? I mean really, world hunger, the economy, Michelle Obama’s new haircut? Anything?
• Go out and buy Anthony Jeselnik’s new comedy special “Caligula”. It’s pretty great, your welcome.
• Next time you want to feel like a genius, teach anyone over 60 how to use a smartphone. The worst part about that is then they start to have unrealistic expectations about what it can do. Like “oh I can watch TV on it, but it can’t pick up my dry cleaning for me. Technology is worthless.” And then they act like it’s your fault personally “your generation blows, why can’t they make better stuff.” This coming from a guys who’s generations chief accomplishments were tie dye shirts and shitty weed.
• Just a friendly reminder that Comic Sans is the Microsoft word equivalent of finger paint. Write your  papers in Times New Roman the way God intended.
• This:

That’s all for this week. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.

Polar Bears, Goofy Relatives, and a Post Apocalyptic Christmas.

Hello everyone and welcome to post #13 of my blog. I’m sitting here, looking out a window, and wondering where in the fuck the rapture is at. The world was supposed to end on December 21st, so what do we get? No earthquakes! No volcanoes! No tornadoes! No hurricanes! No tsunamis! No comets! No meteors! No nothing!! NOTHING!!! The weather on December 21st was actually better than the day before, IT’S BETTER! SO NOT ONLY WERE THE GODDAMNED MAYANS WRONG, MOTHER NATURE THOUGHT IT FIT TO SPITE THE MAYANS AND OUR FUCKING STUPIDITY BY MAKING NATURE LESS SHITTY IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD ON THAT DAY!!

Here’s my theory about this end of the world BS. First off, it’s only the dumbest among us who buy into it, because the rest of us have real shit to worry about. Dumb people have very little to worry about and they have very little excitement. So one smart person digs up an ancient calender and goes “hmm this calender ends on 12/21/12, I wonder what happened?” Then his dumbass assistant goes “it ends on 12/21/12, you know what that means, it’s the end of the world!!!!”  Now here’s the difference between smart people and dumbasses, the smart guy goes “No, we just haven’t found the rest of it yet, no big deal.” But the dumbass which by the way there are a lot more of, go “It’s the end!! We’re all screwed because the Mayans said so.” The smart guy is right, and he knows he’s right, but we’ve gotten to this point in our fucking society where if enough people say something, regardless of how stupid they are, they’re right. Fuck logic!!

Speaking of stupid people and their groups, I’m sick of seeing the commercial asking me if I want to adopt a polar bear symbolically. Let’s run through this logically quick just to illustrate how beyond dumb this is. First off, in exchange for your donation, you get a piece of paper which says that somewhere in the world, there is polar bear that you own. You never get to see it, it will never write you a letter or send you pictures of it’s family vacation in Miami, it’s just out there. Secondly, who gave these people the authority to sell me a supposed polar bear. Did they just go out one day and start branding these polar bears with “Property of: ____”?  Thirdly, obviously the whole point behind this is to “save the polar bears from rising global temps” BS, but how exactly will they save them? Are they going to buy a giant air conditioners and set them up around the Arctic Circle? No? Well what then? I’ll tell you what, they’re going to A. line their own pockets with other people’s donations B. Invest in more advertising to bug me to give money to them. Don’t believe me? Ok, well let’s say that everything was fine, let’s say that the polar bears no longer needed saving, would they stop asking for more money? No!! They would find some other BS problem which isn’t really a problem and whine they need money to fix it. And yet, there are enough idiots out there to give these people money, thus declaring them King of the Idiots.

Plus let’s be honest, there are about a million other animals that need saving more than the polar bears.

Every year on Christmas and Christmas Eve, I, like so many of you, get to see the full spectrum of both the best and worst of Christmas.  Thankfully the good things always outweigh the bad by quite a bit, which in and of itself is a good thing. But the one bad thing about Christmas and/or Christmas Eve is goofy ass relatives. Let me break down the categories of assclown present at every holiday for every family in America. If you think you don’t have one of these at your Christmas gathering, you’re probably it, so knock it off. Oh, and before I get into it, let me just start by saying that I love all of my relatives dearly, they’re great people, I’m very fortunate to know all of them. That being said, they sometimes just do things that drive me absolutely insane.

1. The awkward conversation starter: Let me answer every single question I get at every holiday, keep in mind these questions lead to nowhere. They ask, I answer, end of conversation, no follow up, no “funny story”, no nothing. Ready? Ok here it goes “I’m 6’5, no I don’t play basketball, yes I am taller than my dad, school is going well and break is also good (bitter blogger sidenote: the “how do you like your professors?” question stopped after the first semester of my freshman year) Ok, pop is in the fridge and football is on, thank you and goodbye.

2. Here’s my newborn’s life story: Let me get this out of the way, babies are adorable. Easily in the top 3 of cutest things ever. However, I don’t need to hear every single story of it’s life. I don’t need to hear about it’s first burp, it’s first feeding, or it’s first shit. Trust me, hearing about anybody’s shit, including newborn’s, is pointless. If there were a bunch of old guys gathered around a campfire telling shit stories from when they were in ‘Nam over beers, I still wouldn’t care. We got it, you think your kid is great, but is your kid better than Jesus? Because I don’t see any shit, burp, or first feeding stories in the Bible. Give us the story of their first word, first steps, and a third random story of your choosing. Football is on, so move and let us watch it in peace.

3. The Boozehound: Booze is great, especially at the holidays, but theres a difference between having two beers and getting $200 worth of hard alcohol on the kitchen counter. In the words of Lincoln Osiris from Tropic Thunder “Pump your brakes kid.”

Ok there’s the three, I’m sure there’s more but that’s all I have for now. Feel free to tell me your own, but at your next holiday keep your eyes and ears open and tell me how right I am after Easter.

Lastly, I want to give a shoutout to my brother (and avid blog reader) Tom, who’s birthday was on December 13. Thanks for reading, have a Happy New Year, and any questions or comments are welcome below.

Mercifully short election coverage, Pentagon bangathon, and stupid drivers being stupid.

Well here we are, the other side, welcome to blog #12. After months of countless political ads, the election finally took place and let me tell you, it was a doozy. Rather than tell you what I thought, let me just summarize it in several GIFs, it saves you the time of reading my rant and me the time of writing it.

So there you have it. Being the optimist that I am, I still look for the good in all of this, so here it goes. We are finally done seeing political ads, and more importantly, we’re done seeing every facebook friend you have bitch about all the political ads. Now we can go back to the norm of not compromising and then complaining in four years that we didn’t compromise. Which is fine, people who don’t follow politics need something to bitch about too. But anyway, here’s my small piece on the election, which if you take umbrage with for any reason, let me know and we can have a chat about, unless you didn’t vote, in which case I couldn’t give a fuck less what you think.

Here’s the problem, as I’ve said a million times, I could not care less who you voted for, as long as your reasons aren’t stupid. If you voted for Obama because he’s black, that’s stupid. If you voted for Romney because he’s from Massachusetts and so are you, that’s stupid. It seems like more and more in this country we are developing this class warfare and we base who we vote for on that. That’s the stupidest reason of all. For example, if you didn’t vote for Romney because you think he helps the rich, that’s stupid. Who started this mentality of “that guy has more than me, which by the way I think he didn’t get legitimately, and therefore he’s an evil bastard who we should cut down in every way possible.” You shouldn’t vote for a candidate based on who you think can do more for you, you should vote for a candidate based on who will get the hell out of your way and won’t impede your success or tax the hell out of you. That’s it, I don’t want free shit, I want to be self sufficient and not be demonized when I tell the government to fuck off. It just baffles me how much people can act like sheep. The politician who promises to rob Peter to pay Paul will always have the vote of Paul. I think it’s sad that in a country that prides itself on achievement and being all you can be that we have more Pauls than Peters.

The biggest non election news this week is that David Petraeus resigned as director of the CIA after the FBI found out he was banging his biographer. The whole thing is semi interesting, not because any of us give a fuck who’s banging who in Washington, but because some people are suggesting this is just the tip of the iceberg of some giant plot.. Let me lay the whole thing out, so Petraeus is banging this woman named Paula Broadwell who was his biographer and in the process giving her clearance to a bunch of classified Pentagon stuff. (which is how the FBI found out about the whole thing) Then this other woman named Jill Kelley begins to receive threatening emails from Broadwell because she thinks that Kelley is banging Petraeus as well. Turns out that Kelley may or may not be banging a General Allen, who is up to be promoted to Commander of US European Command. Yeah the whole thing is confusing and not really worth getting into the details about. To be honest I’m not even sure why I bothered explaining it, but anyway the whole point is that people think Petraeus resigned when he did to avoid testifying about the events at Benghazi when the Libyan ambassador was killed (remember that?). I don’t know, I feel like since the election is over we’re just finding another thing to bitch about. This has the potential to turn into something huge, but for right now I put it on the same level of caring as a big snowstorm that’s still a ways off. I’ll give these people the same advice everybody gave Bill Clinton back in the day, and let the chips fall where they may.

The next topic is something that I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with at some point in our lives, hell we may even know one of these people or we may be one ourselves, so here it goes: A GREEN LEFT ARROW AT A STOPLIGHT MEANS YOU CAN TURN LEFT IMMEDIATELY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO YIELD TO THE CARS GOING STRAIGHT!! Is it that hard America? You’ve memorized every fucking line of the Hangover, you’ve memorized every stupid song that comes on the radio, is one more thing a big deal? It’s not a trap, there isn’t a cop sitting there waiting to catch you making a left turn on a green arrow and then convince you it’s wrong. You’re safe, you can go, in fact you should go, so the 6 cars behind you don’t get pissed. You’re not being tested!!

Let’s see, what else, oh I know. Attention people, quit bitching about how terrible your life is over facebook. We got it, either quit bitching or make your life better, pick one. If your life sucks, try to improve it rather than wallowing in your own self pity. Also, knock it off with quoting really sad songs or movies and then expecting everyone to ask you what’s wrong and act all mysterious. Either you want us to care or you don’t, if you don’t then don’t post it in the first place, if you do then just come out and say it. Maybe if you go out and try really hard to improve your life, you could someday ball as hard as Macaulay Culkin.

That’s all for this week, as always questions and comments are welcome.

Explosive diarrhea, Honey Boo Boo, and other everyday problems.

Hello and welcome to post #11 of the blog. Originally this week I was planning on having the first ever blog where I don’t mention politics once, but I realized with the election coming up that that’s close to impossible, so I’ll keep it very short and diabetic level sweet and then we can get back to talking about important other shit and whatnot.

First off, I couldn’t care less who you support politically, it’s your deal, if this guy says stuff you like, you’ll vote for him and it’s your business, I got it. We judge candidates on who we agree with politically and who we feel will do a good job leading our country. What we shouldn’t be doing is voting for people who we “could sit down and have a beer with.” This might be earth shattering news to some of you, but I don’t want the guy who I can sit down and have a beer with to be President!!!!

I’ll vote for the guy who will stop us from getting nuked, I’ll vote for the guy who will turn our economy around, and I’ll vote for the guy who has the experience and can prove to me he can do those things. There was some dumb poll on xbox live (yeah, I actually looked at the political section on xbox live, because everybody with an xbox thinks they have a masters in political science now)  that asked “who would you rather play xbox with: Obama or Romney?” WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?! To be honest I’d want the guy who doesn’t play xbox at all because he has better shit to do as President. Here’s another newsflash for you people, you’ll never have a beer or play xbox with Romney or Obama or anybody even remotely close to any of them, so why the hell are you voting based on that? It makes you look like a shallow tool, if you don’t like the uptight white guy or the ex Harvard President black guy then just say so, don’t start with this “he isn’t relate able” bullshit.

So that’s my mini rant on politics for the week, and yes the main reasoning behind it was so I can put a Kenny Powers gif at the end. You’re welcome. This next item is fairly new, but to me it’s a good representation of what the fuck is wrong with our society. I’m speaking of course of Honey Boo Boo. First off let me say that if you enjoy this show, I’m not trying to offend you, but you are what’s wrong with this country. Why do you support this garbage and more importantly the douchebags at so and so network who push it? Honey Boo Boo herself doesn’t seem like a bad person, but she definitely needs some adjustment, especially where interacting with humanity in concerned. I saw a youtube clip the other day where she was on Dr. Drew and he’s being super nice and trying to talk to her and she fuckin swats her hand at him. Not only does she swat him, she falls asleep DURING THE SHOW!!! Let’s be clear here, kids will be kids, but you would think the parents would straighten her out and tell her to knock it off. The guy is trying to be an adult here and have a chat with the kid and the mom and she just pisses all over his good manners. Then to top off this giant shitstorm, the mom is sitting there and grinning like a fuckin moron. Don’t grin, tell your kid to knock it off….dumbass.

And you people watch this, you tune in and watch this crap. Just like you tuned in and watched Jersey Shore and some of these other pointless reality TV shows. Meanwhile I’m sitting here wondering where decent, scripted TV is at and why I have to watch Snooki skank up a night club in NJ. Imagine that you went into a grocery store and wanted to buy Lucky Charms, you walk up and the Lucky Charms are gone and in it’s place is this generic marshmellowy cereal. You get more and it’s cheaper, but it’s not Lucky Charms. At this point you go up to the cashier and are like “hey man where’s the Lucky Charms?” He goes “we discontinued them, we got this other stuff instead and it’s just as good.”

This is the point where I go “Look buddy, either you go in the back and find a box with a leprechaun on it that says Lucky Charms and contains aforementioned Lucky Charms or I tell you to fuck off and leave.”

But not everyone does that, a lot of people will go “Eh ok I’ll take this other stuff.”

Then they go home, eat it and then get explosive diarrhea. I don’t mean like eh I have diarrhea and it sucks, I mean there are sticks of TNT implanted in your ass with no timer and as a result you’re camping out on the toilet with a portable TV and a couple of beers. Yeah exactly, but it’s too late. You already bought the shitty other brand cereal and the grocery store assumes that you enjoyed it so they order more. So here’s my advice to you, quit buying the generic other cereal!! Quit supporting the fuckin stations that air this garbage. More importantly, after these reality stars have their five minutes of fame and then go batshit crazy, don’t stand there and go well what happened? You watched their show, you endorsed all this BS they did, and after you quit paying attention they didn’t know how to react. It used to be in this country that the guy who was quietly successful was the guy you looked up to. That guy that was doing well for himself, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at him because he wasn’t loud, wasn’t obnoxious, wasn’t a snob and was just a quiet, likeable, modest guy. We need more of those people and less Honey Boo Boos, less Snookis, and less fuckin reality shows!!

Earlier this week Ann Coulter got in hot water when she called Obama a retard, or compared him to a retard or something like that. I dunno honestly, anyway some guy from the Special Olympics wrote her a letter about how the use of the word is offensive and she shouldn’t have said it and so on and so forth. The letter went viral on the internet and everybody attacked Ann Coulter and applauded this guy from the Special Olympics. For starters, I hate Ann Coulter, she’s obnoxious and loud and just pointless. Why she is even relevant in media is beyond me, but I just accept that she is but never listen to anything she says.

That being said, she should not have said what she said, it was offensive and wrong and disrespectful and whatnot. As a media figure she should know better. However, let’s not act like she’s the only person who’s ever said it. I was listening to Howard Stern the other day and he said it, I’ve heard numerous media figures say it as well as people say it in everyday conversation, I even tweeted something that used it the other day. I had somebody unfollow me on twitter because they were pissed about it, which is fine, it’s their choice, I couldn’t care less. The point is it seems like we’re selectively prosecuting people on it. It used to be that if somebody said something wrong we would have two reactions. We would either A. Assume they didn’t put much thought into their wording or B. is probably just a jerk. 95% of the time it was A and we just moved on with our lives because we had other stuff to deal with. Which is my second point, we have other shit to deal with in this country, important shit like the economy, wars, government etc and we’re worried about what Ann Coulter tweeted?!?! Really America?!?!

We got it, she shouldn’t have said it and it was wrong and disrespectful, but what happened to just going “hey that was wrong” or going “I seriously doubt she meant to offend people with special needs, so let’s move on?” Because let’s be honest, everyone has used the word “retard” sometime in their life, and if they say they didn’t then they’re a liar. Does that make it right? No, of course not, it’s wrong and shouldn’t be used by anybody, but am I going to go out and be the speech police? No, I’m just not going to use it, because that’s all I can control is my actions. So the whole point of this is should Ann Coulter have said what she said? No, of course not, obviously not, but let’s not pretend she’s the only person who ever said it, let’s not pretend that she purposely tried to offend special needs people, and let’s not get into the whole business of being the speech police. Yes, we shouldn’t use the word, but like I said the only people we control is ourselves, and the best way to get rid of something is to not use it ourselves and not throw it in other people’s faces when they say it even though they didn’t mean it in an offensive way.

While we’re on the topic of tweets, what is the point of seeing what other people’s tweets on TV about the show I’m watching? I didn’t tune into Storage Wars so I can see dumbass from LA tweeting “STORAGE WARS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER 🙂 🙂 🙂 :)”. Listen to me one guy from Cali, I don’t care that you love Storage Wars. I don’t. If you tweeted “I fuckin hate Storage Wars” I WOULD STILL WATCH STORAGE WARS. I’m here to watch the old guy with a bunch of money run train on everybody else, that’s all. Get your damn tweets off my screen, I don’t care, and while you’re at it, I don’t want to see your live update tweets from the show I’m watching on the TV over the actual show. Your opinion means literally nothing to me, if it did, I’d follow you on twitter. So get the hell off my screen, let me enjoy my damn show in peace. It feels like you’re stabbing me with just pointless little blurbs about the show for no reason. Just knock it off.

Anyway that’s all for now. Thanks for reading, as always comments and questions are welcome below. Also remember to go out and vote otherwise you can’t complain until the next election.

Brickleberry, the vote no/vote yes nonsense, and my very first political ad.

Hello and welcome to post #10 of my blog, we’re into double digits! With the election coming up, this blog may be a bit more political heavy than usual. I haven’t decided yet, it depends on how many stupid political ads come across my TV as I’m writing this, so if you think this blog is too politics heavy, call your favorite asshole politician and complain.

Coming up on the ballot here in MN is whether it should be put into the MN Constitution whether marriage should be defined as between one man and woman and people on both sides of the issue are driving me nuts. Let’s start with the vote yes people and the whole religious argument. Here’s the problem, not everybody in this state is religious and thus the whole religious argument of citing the Bible doesn’t work. If a Jewish guy came up to me at Famous Dave’s and told me to order the salad instead of a pork sandwich I’d tell him to fuck off. I’d not only order a pork sandwich, I’d order two of them and then give him the finger while my hands are covered in BBQ sauce. If your religion prohibits you from doing something, it doesn’t mean that everybody else’s does too, so beat it.

Now on to the vote no idiots, who believe it or not, I hate more than the vote yes people. First off, sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but if this amendment does not pass, gay marriage is still illegal. You haven’t made any progress, you stopped the other side from making progress. Also some jackass just came across my TV on a vote no commercial, so I’m going to rip into these people more than I planned on. Secondly, can we move on from this “love is for everybody and by stopping gay marriage gays can’t love each other” argument? That’s the stupidest argument I’ve heard, probably as stupid as the cite the Bible vote yes people.  People can love each other regardless of whether they’re married or not. You won’t find a groom or bride in America who goes “Well I’m not sure if I love them yet, but once that ring hits their finger we’ll know for sure.” This stupid vote no commercial I just saw consists of some tool going “government isn’t bigger than love.” You’re right, it’s not, but it’s pretty big, too big. The same fuck ups who go “government isn’t bigger than love” are the same fuck ups who passed a law stopping people from smoking in bars, the same people who want to raise my damn taxes every year, the same people who started this no soda bigger than 16oz in NYC nonsense, the same people who passed a law saying everyone has to have healthcare even if it’s provided by the government and the same people who have made government bigger in just about every sense of the phrase. So don’t start with me about how government isn’t bigger than love, you dumbasses created this monster called big government in the first place, so deal with it.

So  now that I’ve given you a quick synopsis of the idiots on both sides of the aisle, I’ll bet you’re wondering which way I’m going to vote. I’m going to be voting yes, and here’s why: We’ve already decided gay marriage is illegal, it was voted on by the people, what this amendment does is stop judges from coming back and changing it. Basically it stops another Prop 8 from happening and it stops activist judges from going against what the majority of the people voted for. If this amendment passes, it means that judges can’t say that outlawing gay marriage is unconstitutional. The people of Minnesota said they don’t want gay marriage, therefore gay marriage is illegal period. Other states like Iowa voted to have gay marriage, that’s their choice. I don’t agree with gay marriage, but if the majority of the people of the state vote for it then it’s their business and they can have it. Some people will say that the Constitution shouldn’t limit freedoms, which is a fair point, but a lot of the people who make this argument are the same people who outlawed smoking in bars, buying a soda bigger than 16oz in NYC, and all of these other stupid nanny state policies. So if you want to make that argument then fine, but first get rid of all these pointless nanny state policies. Regardless of whether this passes or not, two things need to happen, first of which is that gay marriage needs to remain a state issue only. The federal government has no business in it and they should butt out and leave it to the states to decide. Secondly, the state cannot force churches to marry homosexual couples if they choose not to. Separation of church and state cuts both ways, and infringing on the rights of churches by forcing them to marry people against their moral conscience is wrong. Where are my “government isn’t bigger than love” people? Think about that for a bit before you make your next commercial.

Even though it’s a couple weeks late I want to give my little review of Daniel Tosh’s new show Brickleberry. A lot of people have been shitting all over it, but I for one find it to be not all that bad. The only real negative of the show is Tosh himself. Don’t get me wrong, Tosh is by far one of the best comics on this Earth, but that’s the problem. His voice is so recognizable that it overshadows the rest of the cast. The show itself is pretty funny and the cast is pretty cool, so if I had a single gripe with this show, it’s that. Some people are quick to point out that the show is pretty offensive, politically incorrect etc and to these people I have two words: South Park. South Park is leaps and bounds more offensive than Brickleberry in my opinion and it’s one of the most popular shows ever. So your argument is invalid.

I’m so sick of seeing stupid political commercials on TV. Even the politicians that I support are pissing me off with all the ads. We get it, you’re a great person and the other guy is a dirt bag who isn’t even shown in color.  Can’t we just go back to the usual happy go lucky Cialis commercials, the new 2013 fill in the blank car commercials, or even a commercial for Fox’s latest sitcom that’s destined to suck? Is there a graph out there somewhere that shows that the more I see a candidates political ads, the less likely I am to vote for them?

If I ever run for a political office, I’m only going to have one commercial and it will be this:

And Robert Downey Jr. will be my running mate. Why? Because he’s Robert Downey Jr. that’s why!

That’s all for now, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. As always, questions or comments are welcome in the section below.

You thought I forgot about the cute GIF didn’t you?